One very harmful habit that many couples practice is speaking 'angry words' that can destroy their love.
Relationships begin in the infatuation stage and this tends to lead to marriage with a following honeymoon stage. Everything seems perfect for a time and then things start to get more difficult. In those times, couples can fall into a very bad habit of speaking angry words that destroy love and erect walls in their relationship.
In the book, “Love Busters, protecting your marriage from habits that destroy romantic love,” there is an example of how hurtful words cause a great deal of harm.
It goes like this:
Sam was getting ready for work one morning when he realized that he did not have a clean shirt to put on. He blames his wife Jill for not having noticed the fact that he would be needing one and for not taking care of that.
She tries to lighten the situation and suggests that perhaps he could wear the same one as he wore the previous day.
After a bit more discussion, Sam flew into a rage, complete with recriminations, condemnations and obscenities.
Jill started to cry. This was the first time Sam had directed his anger toward her. Although he was not being physically violent, it hurt her deeply. This angry outburst was the first of many Jill would endure during the first year of their marriage.
The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Sam’s angry outburst had punched a hole in her Love Bank – it had sprung a leak. after only one year of marriage, she was losing her feeling of love for Sam. His angry outbursts began to destroy love and erect walls!
This is the very unfortunate result of being on the receiving end of ungracious, unattractive, very salty, judgmental words.
In Colossians 4:6 we read wise words, instructions, about how we should speak:
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Speech that is opposite to ‘angry outbursts that destroy love and erect walls’ is speech that is – ‘Gracious and Seasoned with salt’ -what does that mean?
- Gracious: courteous, kind and pleasant; Having patience and humility….not judgmental.
- Seasoned with salt: Not too much salt in your words. Just as too much salt ruins the flavour of a meal rather than enhancing it…too much saltiness in our conversation can come across as judgmental or haughty.
Our words should build others up, not tear them down.
So, our words should impact our conversations for the better. In all relationships and especially as followers of Christ, we need to bring a different “flavor” to our interactions.
The words we speak reflect what is in our hearts:
“for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” Luke 6:45
How words affect us emotionally.
Gotquestions.org has this to say about how words affect us emotionally:
Emotions are powerfully affecting, yet they are vulnerable to injury. James describes the tongue as “a fire” James 3:6 and who has not been burned by it?
Proverbs 15:4 describes a “healing” tongue as “a tree of life.” As much as love is an action, what would romance be without words?
Encouragement often comes through spoken words. So does discouragement.
“Reckless words pierce like a sword” Proverbs 12:18
The wound is emotional, and it is deep. What we say can have a profound effect on others.
God created humans with the ability to talk. Amazingly, the small organ of the tongue is necessary for the formation of sounds that constitute speech. Without this small and sometimes overlooked part of our physical body, we could not converse with others.
Despite the positive potential of the tongue, the Bible says:
but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. James 3:8
Use your tongue to build up your love for others.
We can use our voices to sing praises to God, build others up with encouraging words, and declare the truth.
In the book, Love Busters mentioned at the beginning of this post, Dr. Willard Harley Jr gives action steps to overcoming angry outbursts. Though this book is primarily about marriage, it has very practical counsel that applies to any relationship.
First and foremost, we need to seek the Lord’s help in overcoming our sin and also seek godly counsel.
May we all seek to use our tongues wisely being careful to consider our words before speaking!
Another post you may find helpful is Can Honesty Be a Lovebuster? This post reviews this question as summarized from the Love Busters book.
Marriage Builders website and Focus on the Family website both have great resources for couples who want to learn more about how to strengthen their marriage relationships.
The Words of this song are very applicable to this post!
Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29,NLT
