It is important to keep in mind that this book Love Busters is about: PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE FROM HABITS THAT DESTROY ROMANTIC LOVE.”
In this chapter Dr. Harley shares with his readers-
The Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know-your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, past history, daily activities and future plans.
The reasons why Radical Honesty in marriage is so important are:
- Radical Honesty provides a clear road map for marital adjustment so that problems can be identified very quickly and, if the couple knows how to negotiate with each other, they can dispose of their problems very quickly. If Ed and Jennifer had been more honest with one another they would not have slipped into a loveless marriage.
- Radical Honesty is essential in marriage to meet important emotional needs. Honesty deposits love units and provides an unobstructed view into each other’s minds.
- Radical Honesty is needed because dishonesty is a Love Buster! Lies or covering up the truth in some way is offensive and causes Love Bank withdrawals.
There are 4 types of dishonesty in marriage:
(1) protection (2) looking good (3) avoiding trouble, and (4) compulsion.
While the motives and excuses are very different for each type, the results are the same – the marriage suffers.
(1) Protection liars fail to reveal their negative reactions to protect their spouse from unpleasant information. This may seem innocent but consider how this negatively affects their marriage. Even during their honeymoon, Ed takes phone calls to conduct business at very inopportune moments interrupting their meals together and even as they were about to make love. She, Jennifer, did not tell Ed her true feelings. She reasoned that she wanted Ed to be successful in his business.
Ed began to work several nights a week which bothered her, but again she let Ed think she was happy with the arrangement because his late nights were work related and she wanted him to succeed.
As children came along, they were both increasingly preoccupied with the ever escalating responsibilities of life. Their marriage suffered because they neglected each other’s emotional needs. Their dishonesty was mutual and now growing as Ed felt dissatisfied in his sexual life. She was growing increasingly frustrated with Ed’s neglect of her. She did tell Ed that she was lonely once in a while but he made excuses for his late nights and said he would try to be home earlier. He considered that she was happy with this answer. She was not- but she had told him how she felt and he didn’t seem to care.
As well, Ed did tell Jennifer how he felt about their sexual relationship too but she explained that the children made her feel too tired and he accepted this but it still bothered him.
Though it may seem quite innocent, the result of protecting one another from the truth is that it denies a spouse crucial information needed to make adjustments so that huge Love Bank withdrawals do not continue unabated.
[I expect that this is probably the most common type of dishonesty that most of us practice in our marriages. As a peacemaker by nature and one to avoid conflict, it certainly resonates with me. In the Protection Liar section, Dr. Harley used a metaphor of a bank manager who stops sending out monthly bank statements to an overdrawn account holder and continues to deduct fees for overdrafts without informing the customer. Of course the customer is outraged and complained but the bank manager’s response was “when our customers run out of money in their accounts we try to protect them from that unpleasant information.” That is crazy of course in that situation and as it relates to marriage. We need to let our spouse know when he/she is making Love Bank withdrawals so that they can make adjustments- Love Bank deposits- to prevent further losses. Without clear communication, understanding and meeting of one another’s needs, we can blindly drift out of love. ] LRC
(2) Trying-to -look-Good- Liars try to leave a favorable impression and fabricate achievements and abilities so that others will have higher regard for them. This person misrepresents the facts. In the case of Ed and Jennifer, he made up stories about his school achievements because he knew that she had done well in school. After marriage he continued to exaggerate his achievements at work and she would tell him she was proud of him. He thought he could keep up the deception but lies have a way of tripping us up eventually.
(3) Avoid-Trouble Liars lie because of the threat of being caught doing something wrong. They often feel that their shady actions are appropriate but suspect that others will judge them harshly if they were to know about them. In marriage, they lie to avoid their spouse’s judgement. As Jennifer began to realize that Ed was not being honest, she finally went to his workplace and discovered that he had been fired six weeks earlier for poor performance. He had left the house every day for those six weeks pretending to go to work but was actually out hunting for a new job. His lies had several motives and include all 3 of the above. If he was to tell Jennifer he had been fired, his lies about his sales would have been uncovered and he would be seen for the underachiever he really was.
(4) Born Liars are compulsive liars. Fortunately, Ed was not this type! It is very different from the first three and is easy to identify. Compulsive liars – lie about anything and everything whether they have good reason or not and do not seem to know what is true and what is a lie. They do not seem to be able to control it, nor know why they do it.
They sometimes live double lives, can sincerely deny any involvement in a crime and pass a lie detector test. They make impossible marriage partners and if they marry, it is usually short-lived. This is the most extreme form of dishonesty and Dr. Harley says that very few of the spouses he counsels are born liars.
The good news is- the first three types of dishonesty can be overcome!
In the next post we will find the answer to the question:
“Can Honesty Be a Love Buster?”
Information for this post is from the book “Love Busters by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
For more help, go to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com
{Text followed by LRC are my personal comments.]