Selfish Demands

From intimacy 🥰to conflict 😖
The first LOVE BUSTER is Selfish Demands.

To review, in the last post we learned that a love Buster is a habit that drains the love bank. To put it another way, it’s ‘repeated’ behaviour of one spouse that causes the other spouse to be unhappy.

Selfish demands is one of the love busters that deliberately hurts the other in a selfish effort to gain control. Instead of searching for mutually acceptable solutions to a problem, one spouse tries to impose a solution that is to the other spouses disadvantage. And it’s backed up with punishment if there is resistance. This abusive strategy will not help you. In fact it will make getting what you need less likely. And if you use the love buster of making selfish demands to try to resolve your conflict you will lose your love for each other. The perpetrator of abuse usually does not recognize it for what it is.

Willard F. Harley Jr, describes abuse as follows:

“ I define abuse in marriage as a deliberate effort of one spouse to cause the other to be unhappy. Control of a spouse‘s behavior, attitudes, beliefs, and opinions is usually the motive, although the one doing the abusing rarely acknowledges it. The perpetrator of abuse usually knows that his or her actions cause unhappiness, but often views it as the ‘right’ thing to do or ‘for the spouse’s own good.’ And the abuser will rarely admit that the abuse is a deliberate effort to make his or her spouse unhappy. Instead, the abuser claims the spouse’s unhappiness is an unforeseen or unintentional outcome. “ I didn’t mean to hurt you,” or “you shouldn’t feel bad,” is often the reaction of an abusive spouse.

W. F. Harley says,

“To better understand the nature of abuse, and why those who are abusive rarely see it for what it really is, let me give you a short course on the two parts of your personality. I call these the Giver and the Taker.”
“Have you ever wondered if your spouse has two personalities? One that’s caring and considerate, and one that seems impossible to get along with?

We will learn how to turn ‘selfish demands’ into ‘thoughtful requests’ in another post but for next time, we will be looking at -The Giver and the Taker and the effects on the relationship. I hope you keep reading these tidbits and consider getting the book for all the detail! We all need to better understand how to make our relationships thrive ~Lorna

 Content in this post is either quoted or summarized from Love Busters by Willard F. Harley Jr. with some personal comments by me ~ Lorna
For more resources, check out his website.

https://marriagebuilders.com/the-simplest-way-to-restore-love-to-your-marriage.htm