Love Busters by Willard F Harley, Book Review, Part-6
In the last post -Part 5- we learned about ‘disrespectful judgements’ which are our attempts to straighten out our spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, and behaviour by trying to impose our way of thinking through lecture, ridicule, threats, or other forceful means. If you show respect for your spouse’s opinions and ways of doing things, you are in a position to motivate change. But the change must be seen as beneficial to your spouse. And it must be with your spouse’s enthusiastic agreement.
In a previous post we learned about ‘the policy of joint agreement’ which is: never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. This policy can also be applied when trying to respectfully persuade your spouse to agreeing with you. There are four guidelines to ‘respectful persuasion’ and these guidelines mirror the guidelines to successful negotiation that were in a previous post.
Guideline 1. Make your discussion safe and enjoyable.
If you want your spouse to be open to new ideas, the last thing you want is defensiveness on his or her part. And the best way to overcome defensiveness is to eliminate any reason to be defensive.
Guideline 2. Express your conflicting opinions to each other with respect and understanding.
When you have a conflict of opinion, can you clearly explain your spouse’s opinion as well as you can explain your own? (good point!)
Many needless arguments arise because spouse’s misunderstand each other. There’s a huge difference between respect for an opposing opinion, and acceptance of that opinion. It’s not only possible but it’s essential to respect an opinion that you wish to change.
Guideline 3: Explain how your opinion might be in your spouse’s best interest and brainstorm ways to test the value of your opinion.
This step is your first effort at trying to change your spouse’s mind. How can you do that with respect? You might say, “even though I don’t agree with you, I know you have good reasons for your opinion. But I would like to suggest some other reasons that may change your mind.” You might also ask your spouse to test their opinion for a brief period of time to see if he/she likes it.
Guideline 4: if your spouse agrees enthusiastically with your opinion, based on the results of a test, you have achieved respectful persuasion. If the test fails to persuade, either go back to brainstorming or drop the subject.
Clearly understand the bargain; if your spouse is not comfortable with your position after the test, you may ask for yet another test but if your spouse feels the first test was sufficient, you should agree to drop the subject if on the other hand your test is successful, resist the temptation to force a commitment to your position. If your spouse finds that your opinion works, it’s likely to be incorporated into his or her judgment.
At this point you may be feeling that if you drop the subject you’ll be very unhappy with the outcome. But Dr. Harley reminds us to be aware of a very important fact – you do not have to change each other‘s minds about something to create behaviour that makes each other happy. Remember, it’s what you do ‘for’ each other that will make you happy-what you do ‘to’ each other that will make you unhappy. So in your efforts to create a more passionate marriage, one where you find each other absolutely irresistible, your attention should be focused on each other’s habits and not necessarily on each other‘s beliefs, opinions, and attitudes.
We don’t have to agree on everything to have a great marriage. And we need to remember that respectful persuasion is a two-way street. Each one has the right to try to respectfully persuade the other. We must be open to the possibility that our spouse could be right and we could be wrong about any issue that we discuss. And we should be willing to test his/her opinion just as he/she is willing to test mine.
Don’t make the mistake of winning the battle only to lose the war. An important part of romantic relationships is the support and encouragement lovers show each other. Disrespectful judgements do the opposite. If they have crept into your marriage, make an effort to day to illuminate their destructive influence.
As always, I acknowledge my source. Information-quoted or summarized is from “Love Busters, protecting your MARRIAGE from HABITS that destroy ROMANTIC Love” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., a Nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist, marriage counselor and best selling author of “His Needs, Her Needs.” Also, visit: www.marriagebuilders.com