Love Busters, by Willard F Harley Jr, Book Review-Part 5
The 2nd Love Buster is DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS. Another marriage book- “Fighting For Your Marriage” calls this NEGATIVE INTREPRETAION. In my last post, we learned that Thoughtful Requests need to replace the Love Buster- Selfish Demands.
Also that the Democracy strategy is needed in marriage so that the two spouses will learn to come to a mutually enthusiastic agreement on decisions that affect both of their lives. In this way, they both win. In marriage, there is no winner and loser, both spouses either win or lose, you are on the SAME team.
The definition of Disrespectful Judgements is:
Attempts to straighten out your spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to impose your way of thinking through lecture, ridicule, threats, or other forceful means.”
These Disrespectful Judgements do not come from our Giver’s compassion for others-they come from our Taker’s desire to help us get what we want. The Taker is unaccommodating and rigid trying to get what is best at his/her spouse’s expense. This is the second stage of abuse and control. Even if a spouse is deceived into thinking that disrespect is motivated by care, the result is the same-it destroys the feeling of love.
Another type of disrespect is ridicule, making fun or laughing at your spouse when they express an opinion. Making fun of your spouse is extremely dangerous and hurtful to the one being ridiculed which makes massive Love Bank withdrawals!
In marriage couples often share each other’s deepest secrets and greatest weaknesses. This makes us vulnerable to one another and that information, shared in confidence, must never be used to hurt or try to make fun of each other. This behavior is incredibly destructive to your friendship and love.
Disrespectful Judgements are abusive because they cause pain, they are controlling, and stupid.
There is a way to get everything you need from each other but first, you must completely eliminate disrespectful judgements.
Sometimes, a spouse who is using Disrespectful Judgements is so convinced that he/she is right that he/she does not even realize he/she is inflicting pain on the spouse and that this method is just making Love Bank withdrawals.
“The more you understand your spouse’s feelings and interests, the more you will understand and appreciate why your spouse thinks and behaves the way he or she does. If you show respect for your spouse’s opinions and ways of doing things, you are in a position to motivate change. But the change must be seen as beneficial to your spouse. And it must be with your spouse’s enthusiastic agreement.
Sound familiar? It is the Policy of Joint Agreement as applies to changes in attitude and opinions. When enthusiastic agreement becomes your objective, DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS turn into RESPECTFUL PERSUASION.” This will be the topic of the next post.
As always, I want to acknowledge my source. Information-quoted or summarized is from “Love Busters, protecting your MARRIAGE from HABITS that destroy ROMANTIC Love” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., a Nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist, marriage counselor and best selling author of “His Needs, Her Needs.” Also, visit: www.marriagebuilders.com
Personal comments followed by LRC.