Love Busters by Willard F Harley Jr. -Book Review-Part 4
In the last post, we learned that if we want to get our needs met, we need to stop making selfish demands and replace those with THOUGHTFUL REQUESTS. “
“A thoughtful request is when you ask your spouse to do something for you, with a willingness to withdraw it if there is reluctance. The request must be preceded by how would you feel if you were to….”
We also learned that if the request is not granted, that negotiating and brainstorming are important ways to come up with a mutually enthusiastic agreement using the Guidelines and Ground Rules for negotiating in my last post.
When couples first marry, and are still feeling Romantic Love toward one another, they tend to make decisions the right way – by taking each other’s feelings into account. As time goes by pressures of life make it tempting to scrap bilateral decisions and one spouse, usually the husband, (according to Dr. Harley) decides that he must make the final decisions. He begins to use the dictator strategy. This strategy makes the loss of love almost inevitable.
Harley goes on to say that he has heard many young wives complain about their husband’s decisions to come and go as he pleases, make his own friends, stay out late without letting her know where he is, and other thoughtless acts. All while she is obligated to stay home in the evenings with their children, cook and clean, and be available to him for sex whenever needed. Before long, the Taker in these women starts to put up a fight and the Dueling Dictators Strategy emerges. When these two spouses disagree it’s an all out war, with each side looking after their own interest.
Unfortunately, millions of unhappy couples use the Dueling dictators strategy. It makes problem-solving unpleasant for all involved. Now, instead of one spouse being victimized, both spouses are victimized! At this point marriage becomes miserable and they can either divorce or create a marriage of convenience.
What is needed here to handle conflict-is a way that doesn’t destroy their love for each other and doesn’t lead to divorce. It is the Democracy Strategy, where husbands and wives don’t make a decision until they are both in agreement. It requires unanimous consent, neither spouse can impose their will on the other. The outcome of every decision is in the best interest of both spouses.
“ The policy of joint agreement makes the Democracy Strategy possible.It gives both spouses equal power and control over the choices that are to be made. That simple rule forces you to find a mutually acceptable solution before any action is taken. That solution is found through the fine art of negotiation.”
With the democracy strategy in place you will be forced to abandon demands. You will replace selfish demands with thoughtful requests.
Now, back to- how to turn selfish demands into thoughtful requests….
Guideline 1: Make your request safe and enjoyable.
Pick a good time to make your request, a time when you are both calm and rested.
Smile, no demands, no disrespect, no anger.
Guideline 2: Explain what you want and ask how your spouse feels about doing it.
This approach allows you to ask what you want but will also focus on how your partner feels. That’s considerate, that’s thoughtful. Your concern for his or her feelings deposits love units, and your spouse will want to make you happy. It isn’t always that simple however as the request may not be granted. What then?
Guideline 3: if your spouse has a problem with your request, withdraw it in its present form and brainstorm alternatives that would be mutually acceptable.
If your spouse does not want to help you, withdraw the request. If you suspect that your spouse will find it unpleasant to meet your request, you’re being thoughtless if you persist. To find the best solutions, you must think long and hard about a problem before your brain comes up with the wisest solutions.
Guideline 4: Keep brainstorming until you find a solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement. If the requested task is unpleasant, there may be another way to get the job done that is enjoyable. If you want consistent help from each other, there is no better way to get it than through and enthusiastic agreement.
It is important to let each other know when you drift from thoughtful requests back to selfish demands. We should try not to react defensively when our spouse gives such feedback. It is possible that we may have to work not only on our intent but also our wording of the request.
“Ultimately, you want to receive help without even having to ask. In other words you want your spouse to form the habit of helping you as you develop the habit of helping your spouse. If you can eliminate selfish demands from your marriage, you will have eliminated one of the most important reasons that couples fall out of love with each other.
So many marital arguments could be avoided if before marrying there was honest, clear communication regarding expectations.
My personal comments:
Unfortunately, most of us did not do any pre-marital counselling and have learned as we go along. It’s never too late to have these discussions though and attempt to come to mutually enthusiastic agreements with each other. We can have a marriage that is very satisfying and enjoyable but like a fruitful garden, it takes a lot of care and time.
The image I chose for this post shows a family out enjoying some time together- and that is so important! However, sometimes busy schedules make it difficult and one parent may end up doing most of the childcare. If you need help with something, consider thoughtfully requesting -rather than demanding- to get the help you need. LRC
Happy brainstorming and negotiating!
Information-quoted or summarized is from “Love Busters, protecting your MARRIAGE from HABITS that destroy ROMANTIC Love” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., a Nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist, marriage counselor and best selling author of “His Needs, Her Needs.”