Overcoming Dishonesty

Most marriage counselors  do not know how to help couples overcome dishonesty because they believe that in some circumstances that what one spouse doesn’t know about the other spouse won’t hurt him or her.

Harley believes in radical honesty so much that he has created a tried and proven plan to help overcome dishonesty in marriage. The following steps will not only eliminate  the Love Buster, dishonesty, but will also create a love builder by meeting the emotional need for honesty and openness in your marriage.

(He calls dishonesty in marriage “lying” which comes across as strong at first-at least it did to me especially in regards to Protection Liars who withhold their true feelings or unpleasant information to avoid upsetting their spouse. LRC)

Step 1: Identify what type of liar you are (protector, trying to look good, or avoid trouble) and what parts of honesty you have difficulty achieving (emotional, historical, current, and future.)

If dishonesty has crept into your marriage, your spouse may not be entirely aware of it. 

 Dr. Harley explains that unlike an angry outburst, your spouse may not become aware of your dishonesty until months later. If you really want to become honest, you must first reveal the fact that you’ve been dishonest, the way in which you were dishonest and the way in which you tend to be dishonest. This is the first  and extremely important step that requires radical honesty. 

Step 2: Understand why you’ve been dishonest.

After admitting your dishonesty, the next step is to understand what motivates you to be dishonest, and why dishonesty has established itself in your marriage. It may be that both partners have been dishonest in some way and Dr. Harley provides some questions that will help to shine a light on the “why” of dishonesty in the relationship-‘to get to the root of why’ as he puts it. He recommends reviewing the four parts of honesty (emotional, historical, present, and future) prior to completing the questions and making copies of the questions if you wish to answer the questions differently for each of the four parts of honesty.

1. What are the most important reasons that you are dishonest with your spouse?
2. How does your dishonesty hurt your spouse? (ask your spouse to answer this question.)
3. If you have tried to overcome dishonesty in the past, how did you try to do it? What were the results?
4. If you were to decide that you would be radically honest with your spouse, and would never again be dishonest, could you do it? Why or why not?
5. Are you willing to be radically honest with your spouse? Why or why not?
6. Add any further information that might help you avoid dishonesty with your spouse in the future.

When people complete this questionnaire they are often concerned about their need for privacy. Dr. Harley believes that privacy does the opposite of what he tries to see couples achieve – an integration of their wisdom and making decisions together. His goal is to get a couple to know each other thoroughly and respond appropriately to each others needs. This kind of partnership does not allow for a secret second life where spouses are engaged in potentially offensive behavior behind each other’s backs. He has more to say on this step. His website will be available at the end of this post.

Step 3. Create a strategy to overcome dishonesty.

“After you know what you want to achieve, the next step is to create a plan to achieve it.” He provides 9 steps to help you arrive at that strategy. 

1. Describe your dishonesty.
2. Describe the conditions that seem to trigger your dishonesty.
3.  What changes in those conditions would help you avoid dishonesty?
4. What changes can be made without your spouse’s enthusiastic support and agreement?
5. Describe your plans to change these conditions. Include a deadline to make the change complete.
6. Which of the changes described in the 3rd question can not be made with your spouse’s enthusiastic agreement, or cannot be made at all?
7. Describe your plan to overcome dishonesty when those conditions exist.
8. How will you measure the success of your plan to overcome dishonesty? 
9. If your plan does not succeed within your designated time limit, will you make a commitment to your spouse to seek professional help in designing and executing an effective plant to overcome dishonesty? How will you go about finding that help?

“One of the ways to overcome a bad habit is to simply get rid of the conditions that seem to trigger that habit.”

There may be certain people in your life that tend to encourage you to be dishonest with your spouse. Often times Harley has found that the triggers to dishonesty tend to focus quite a bit of attention on what he calls a ‘secret second life’. He encourages you to completely eliminate a secret second life and this may be the solution to your problem with dishonesty.

If you and your spouse become partners in decision making, where all the decisions that you make follow the “policy of joint agreement‘, and you don’t allow yourself a secret second life, it’s much easier to be honest.

Step 4: document your progress.

It is important to document your progress by taking a sheet of paper to use as your ‘dishonesty worksheet’  to list all instances of dishonesty. This should be completed by both you and your spouse together since there may be instances of your dishonesty that your spouse would not know of if you did not tell him or her.

“This plan will eventually lead you into the habit of being completely honest with your spouse and your spouse will be in the habit of encouraging that honesty by avoiding demands, disrespect, or anger when you are honest.”

Your relationship will improve in many different ways as you overcome dishonesty.

• You will be able to more effectively meet one another’s needs emotional needs, and you will be in love with each other as a result.
• You will a have much easier time resolving conflicts because you will have a much clearer understanding of both the conflict itself and how each of you will react to possible resolutions.
• Without the barrier of unspoken feelings, you will be able to cut to the chase, understand each other quickly, protect each other’s feelings, and create solutions to your conflicts that will help you build a deeper love for each other.

The following are a few key principles from the chapter on dishonesty from previous posts.

“Honesty is not a Love Buster. When thoughtless behavior is revealed, it’s the thoughtless behavior, not the honesty, that causes unhappiness.

Remember to avoid wrapping honesty in the love busters of selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts.

Encourage your spouse to be honest by valuing honesty, and by avoiding its punishment.”

http://www.marriagebuilders.com