Many hours of planning are put into preparation for the wedding. There are so many decisions to make that websites are available offering a check list so that you can get everything done using a time line of 6 months to 2 years. There are decisions on color and theme/style, determining a budget, finding a venue for reception, selecting your wedding party, making a guest list, booking a minister, what dress will you choose, attire for the wedding party, flowers, reception venue, music -you get the picture.
BUT, what about preparation for the marriage itself, the union of two individuals who will make life time vows to one another without knowing what life will really look like with this person. Most of us believe that everything will be work out well otherwise we would not marry this person.
The authors of the book “Before- You -Marry, Book of Questions” by Bill and Pam Farrel, state that it is of utmost importance to prepare for the marriage by seeking to discover if you are on the same page with your intended spouse in eight important areas:
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This post includes quotes and excerpts from their book.
Choosing a life partner is one of the biggest decisions we make in life so it’s natural that we want to feel sure that we are making the right choice! Experiencing real love is part of what creates happiness in life. Some of the questions we ask ourselves when we think we may be in love are:
- How can I tell if I am in love?
- What is healthy love?
- What habits make marriages fall apart, how can I avoid them?
- Can love last a lifetime?
- How do I know that this is “the one”?
- Should I marry?
When God created the world, after each day of creation, He pronounced that what He created was “good.” The Hebrew word tôb has a more specific meaning than our English word “good.” It means “beautiful or functioning the way God intended.” This is what God desires for marriage to be as well. Therefore, an important question that helps evaluate whether a relationship has what it takes for a lifetime of love is:
“Does our relationship function the way God intended to the point that it can be called good?”
To say the least, God has a very high (on the highest end of any scale) view of love and marriage. Therefore, to keep things tôb or beautiful in a love relationship, it is wise to listen to God’s opinions on how relationship, love, marriage, sex and intimacy work.
The authors of Before you Marry always encourage people to build a life worthy of inviting someone into. Their list of questions below will help to self-evaluate how you are doing in different areas of your life and help you set goals for change where needed.
Emotional: Are you stable psychologically and socially? Do people, especially leaders and peers, see you as a stable, loving, caring, and well-adjusted person?
Intellectual: Are you willing to grow in your knowledge about how relationships work and the skills that lead to lifelong healthy love? (Speaking from many years of experience, this is absolutely necessary for change to happen!)LRC
Vocational: Is your work and career life on track? If you are in college or receiving training, can you see the end in sight and have a career direction in mind?
Relational: Have you dealt with any past ghosts in your family of origin or past relationships? Is your heart healed, soft, and positive toward love and relationship?
Spiritual: Are you seeking answers to your spiritual questions? Are you growing in your love and knowledge of God? Are you connected to people who can help you learn more about God and how he views love and relationships?
Physical: Are you fit and healthy (or working on being this way) and do you care about your appearance?
Inspirational: Do you serve God, church, nonprofits, your community, neighbors,? How other-centred are you?
Financial: Are you earning, saving, and spending money in a way to stabilize and provide for your life today and prepare well for tomorrow?
Truthful: How honest, straightforward, and authentic have you been in your answers?
Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. in his book, Love Busters, Protecting your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love, states that it is crucial to be radically honest with one another. It’s important to be honest about past relationships, honest about your future plans, about your weaknesses, about your hopes, your regrets and your fears. And when married, honest about your feelings and concerns about behavior or situations that are bothering you. You can read more on this website regarding this in my post “Dishonesty, Who wants to live with a liar?”
After answering the questions, do you feel that there are areas of your life that you need more time to work on so that your life is a stronger one to invite someone you love into?
Marriage as God intended
Principle 1: Man and woman were made for loyalty
When you are loyal to another, you look for ways to recognize, applaud, and promote this value. When loyalty is a conviction in your heart, traits such as respect, honor, taking the highroad, integrity, honesty, and truthfulness will become pervasive aspects of your interaction with the opposite sex.
Principle 2: Man and woman were made for Harmony
God saw that everything was good except for the fact that Adam had no one like him, someone to be according to the opposite of him, suitable, just right, and corresponding. All these words come from the word suitable. Adam also realized that each animal had a partner but he did not. Eve was created to be Adam’s partner and they represent the first marriage, one man with one woman, God’s intended marital relationship.
In their book, the Farrels state:
You are certainly free to decide on your own who you want to marry, but it is good to remember that you have a powerful advocate in your pursuit. God knows who has the characteristics that best complement your life. In His love and creativity, He has created someone who fits in your life and will help you become a better person. When you discover another who was designed for you by God, life feels more complete and your relationship is infused with a strong sense of honor.
Principle 3: Man and Woman Were Made for Synergy
Every marriage is unique and this includes the way you interact with each other and how you treat each other, but also extends to the purpose that brought you together. You may be able to clearly state that purpose or it may be a mystery to you, but part of what brought you together is a shared sense of the direction you are supposed to be heading in life. This can be one of the best ways to know if a potential spouse is right for you. If you sense that you can give God greater glory as a united team, and that your love will influence more people than your individual efforts, your confidence level can rise in moving forward in a relationship. To help clarify your ability to pursue common purpose, each of you can write your response to the following and then discuss.
My purpose in life, as I understand it today, is ________________________________________________
Evidence that I see that______ shares this purpose includes__________________________________________
I have the following strengths________________________________________
These strengths complement _________’s in the following ways__________________________________________
________ has the following strengths___________________________________
These strengths compensate for the weaknesses in my life in the following ways________________
Principle 4: Man and woman were made for Monogamy
God designed marriage is a covenant relationship between one man and one woman. God made a man and created a woman for him to share his life with. He planted within them both, potential to multiply. God designed Adam and Eve to be skilled lovers who could encourage and support each other for a lifetime.
Principle 5: Man and woman were made for intimacy
Bill and Pam Farrel explain that to truly be intimate, you have to seek to be on the same page with your spouse in the eight important areas mentioned at the beginning of this post: social, parental, financial, emotional, recreational, spiritual, vocational, and sexual.
It is very important to share a common value system when it comes to these vital life components.
Date to Discover
It is important to learn more about the person you are dating. In order to do this, the Farrel’s have suggested a date idea. (More ideas to come in future posts)
The first date suggestion is:
- Each of you pick something or someplace that captures what you see as beautiful and share it with each other.
- Allow the other person to take in your gift of beauty. Then take time to express why you wanted him or her to experience this with you.
- Ask how he/she feels about your chosen activity and what he/she learned about you because you shared this piece of who you are with him/her.
Next Post #2 will be on the following question.
‘Do we have a strong enough friendship? Build a lasting foundation.”
